Why Isn't It Good To Live Together Before Marriage?

Why isn't it good to live together before marriage?
By Phil Webb
I teach a workshop for couples engaged to be married called "God's Plan for a Joy Filled Marriage." From our registrations we know that roughly half of these couples are already living together. In fact, in the United States, 60 percent of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation, according to a year 2000 study. In 2004, more than 5 million Americans were cohabiting, that is, living together in a sexual relationship without marriage, compared to 500,000 in 1970, according to a 2005 study.
There are a variety of reasons couples choose cohabitation before marriage. Convenience, financial savings and companionship are some of the reasons. There is another reason that is also understandable. Many couples believe that the familiarity that cohabitation provides will lead to a more informed decision of whether or not to marry, thereby lowering their risk of divorce. Since many coming into marriage now are children of divorce or have family members or friends who have experienced divorce, they are beguiled into believing that if they "test the waters" by living together they will be able to predict the success of their married life. It is beguiling because this way of preparing for marriage has at its very foundation the seeds of uneven commitment and mistrust — mistrust of their partner, sometimes a mistrust of themselves, or even a mistrust in God's ability to provide for them in marriage.
Building a foundation on mistrust or unequal commitment of any kind is ultimately harmful. In fact, studies find that cohabitors more often than not are unequally committed. Sometimes, the more committed partner is willing to put up with poor communication, unequal treatment, insecurity and abuse. Typically, women are more vulnerable, since they tend to be more committed, according to one researcher (Anne-Marie Ambert, "Cohabitation and Marriage," 2005). This might be a good place to start as we try and understand why, on average, marriage preceded by cohabitation is 46 percent more likely to end in divorce. Another unfortunate reality is that 40 percent of cohabiting households include children.
In fairness to cohabitating couples who are in Catholic marriage preparation, I should say that some studies indicate that those who live together with definite plans for marriage are at minimal risk. Yet, I cannot stress enough that all the research suggests there are no positive benefits from cohabiting.
Church teaching on cohabitation reflects its belief about the dignity of marriage. Marital love is a visible sign or figure of God's covenant love for humanity ("Catechism of the Catholic Church," 1604) and Christian marriage is also an image or figure of Christ's union with the Church (1617). This union can never be temporary or a "trial" — it is permanently faithful.
The Christian insistence on reserving sexual union for marriage has as one of its chief justifications a concern that sexual relations are meant to express the desire for a deep and committed relationship with another. That relationship can only be built within marriage, because marriage is built upon a vow of faithfulness to one's beloved. The mutual and total self-giving of marital love enables the couple to become co-creators with God to bring new life into the world. Therefore, the gift of sexual intercourse has two purposes: to express and strengthen marital love (unitive) and to share that love with children (procreative). Only in marriage can this total self-giving take place, and only in marriage can children be raised with the secure, committed love of a mother and father. Cohabitation is not analogous to taking a great-looking car for a test drive in order to see if it is truly a good deal. Cohabitation offers a counterfeit and deceptive reflection of the meaning of marital love. As such, it compromises a couple's ability to enter into marriage, understanding the profound meaning of this sacramental covenant. Without this foundation it is just tougher to get through the tough times.
Phil Webb is director of the Denver Archdiocese's Office of Marriage and Family Life.
URL: http://www.archden.org/dcr//news.php?e=427&s=4&a=8972