Single, Catholic, Connecting to God - U.S. Singles Outnumbering Married

Catholic Digest: Single, Catholic, connecting to God – U.S. singles outnumbering married, with many finding spiritual meaning
By Kerry Weber9/10/2007
Catholic Digest
NEW LONDON (Catholic Digest) – The letters come adorned with sparkles or scripted handwriting. They feature photos of happy couples. They announce, in extremely formal language, that I am invited to the marriage of … well, everyone I know. At least it seems that way.
My friends are pairing off left and right, and I'm genuinely thrilled for all of them. I like weddings. They honor couples that have chosen to make an admirable and loving commitment. They celebrate who have chosen the person who forever will be by their side. Plus, there's usually cake.
As happy as I am for my married friends, the single life and the uncertainty that comes with it isn't always easy. Living on my own can be difficult and, frankly, boring. But I'm finding that it can also be liberating, exciting and a time for true spiritual growth. And, more and more, I'm finding I'm not alone.
In 2006, the number of people 18 and older who had never married reach 55 million, according to the United States Census data, an increase from 10 years earlier. And today, the term "single" has a broader meaning, and includes a diverse crowd of energetic men and women who have been widowed, separated or divorced. There are nearly 100 million singles in the United States, and that number includes more than a few Catholics.
Whether or not we'll eventually send out sparkly invitations of our own is a common topic among my 20-something single friends. But we're in good company as we discover how God is calling us to live out our current single state. In 2005, the average ages at which American men and women married were approximately 27 and 25, respectively, up from 23 and 21 in 1970. And studies say the single life has its benefits, including the ability to form closer ties with friends and family.
Rebecca Peters, 25, has done just that, demonstrating what many already know – that the single life is not a selfish one. She served for two years as a full-time Jesuit volunteer in Belize, where she found a faith-filled environment among her fellow community members and formed a broad range of supportive friendships.
"It was a really great experience to be part of something bigger and to have people to count on," she said. "Whether or not you're in a couple, you can always be part of a community."
After volunteering, Peters chose to delay entering graduate school in favor of living with her brother and sister-in-law in Dayton, Ohio, to help care for her nephew – something she knows she would not have had the time to do if she were married.
"They have a need, and I am the one person who is able to fulfill that, and they are able to give me things I need like love, community and a place to live. I get to see my nephew grow up, and it gives me experience hopefully for when I have my own kids."
Still, not all of today's singles see their state as preparation for a future romance. For Sally Connolly, who was widowed nearly three years ago, being single in her 60s took some getting used to.
After her husband's death, Connolly threw herself into editing a book of his essays, and also began doing some writing of her own. "I didn't have time [before Gene's death]. And if he were alive I wouldn't be doing it now. I guess I'm using that energy and redirecting it. I've been busy with the children, the grandchildren and writing, and in the good weather, I have a lot of projects outside. In spite of my loss, there are beautiful things happening all around me."
Current technology also has given Connolly a chance to make small liberating changes in her lifestyle. With the help of a GPS, she said, "I went out and traveled around some of the communities {near Danvers, Mass.] . I never would have done that before. Gene drove and I never really paid attention."
Of course, being newly single doesn't have to involve a personality overhaul. "I know my church has a very nice group for people who are single and have had some kind of loss. I've heard that it's very hard, but that's not really what I want to do," said Connolly. "I was never a group person before, and I'm not about to change that now."
For singles looking to become involved in a parish's everyday ministry, it's often left to the individual to make the first move. Pastors and parish staff looking to include singles in mainstream ministry need to remember the importance of extending an invitation to their diverse body of parishioners.
"Whenever we're working with parishes in terms of the laity, we try to keep in front of them the fact that there are different folks in front of them. They're older, they're younger, they're single young adults, they're older singles, they're married, divorced, and widowed," said Sister Eileen McCann, a program coordinator for young people at the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops' Secretariat for Family, Laity, Women, and Youth. "So hopefully parishes are looking at all of that and they keep that in mind whatever programs they put out."
Bob Tyer, 66 and single all his life, acknowledges the efforts of his parish in Springfield, Mass., to reach all members. But he remembers a time when he wondered if he would be welcome in a parish consisting mainly of couples and families.
"I think if a single guy wants to get involved in the church he has to really work at it. I just said, 'I want to be included too,'" said Tyer. His involvement began when he was invited to help decorate the church one Easter.
Today, he chairs the parish's liturgical environment committee, and – in the midst of visiting the homebound, volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, serving as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, chairing the spiritual life commission, and participating in the men's prayer group – he continues to extend invitations to others looking to get involved.
"Many timid people might be included not to bother," he said. "You have to find where your comfort zone is."
But for some who are newly single, church can become a source of discomfort. For Tyer's friend and fellow parishioner Jackie Tuohey, 56, being single came as a surprise. After a difficult separation from her husband three years ago, the parish community that once had been a comfort became a painful reminder of her past. For a while, she stopped going to Mass entirely.
"It was just so noticeable that I was by myself," she said. "Little things, like when there's a couple in front of you, and the man puts his arm around the woman, I'd think 'I miss that.'"
Groups ministering specifically to Catholic singles tend to be localized within parish or diocesan communities and are often run by the singles themselves. But even informal groups of friends can be a great source of support to single Catholics. Thanks to the invitation extended by Tyer and other single friends, Tuohey found a renewed sense of belonging within the church."
The Census Bureau reveals that for the first time in the Untied States, married women are a slight minority, with 51 percent of adult women now living without a spouse.
And Tuohey is one of a growing number of people who see their single state as sometimes tough, but not tragic. She's become involved in more ministry than ever before, including taking a weeklong mission trip to Mexico and volunteering with Residents Encounter Christ, a retreat program for prison inmates. "I'm so involved, I'm almost never home. That wouldn't be fair if I had someone else in my life," said Tuohey. "When I was young I thought, 'I'm going to grow up and get married.' I wasn't thinking, 'I'm going to grow up and be single and minister and have a great life,' which is what I have now. I didn't wish to be separated from my husband, but because of the way things turned out, I certainly went through a kind of conversion and ended up with a good life."
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As a single person, it's easy for me to wonder if I'm missing out somehow by not yet having a spouse. But I'm slowly seeing that there's something to be learned and gained at every stage of life, no matter where I go or whom I'm with. And the only time I'm really missing out is when I fail to recognize that.
The "good life" that can be had by Catholic singles is something that Anastasia Northrup, 30, hope to promote through the National Catholic Singles Conference, which she founded in 2005. Held this year in Chicago and San Diego, and inspired by the late Pope John Paul's teaching on the Theology of the Body, the conferences offer Catholic singles a chance to socialize, pray, and listen to talks on various aspects of the Catholic single state.
The focus is "mainly to offer support," said Northrup. "The word 'single' gets a bad rap. People think it's just a bunch of desperate people. My idea is, rather, to redeem the name, and say, 'Look, there are a bunch of people who are single, and they're normal people.'"
Single Catholics, Northrup points out, are in fact a powerful and meaningful group in the church. "I really do believe that if all the singles who are going to Mass on Sunday were actively involved in the church – volunteering with pro-life work or at a homeless shelter, or teaching catechism – the church would be a different place. There are many Catholic singles."
Northrup, 30, has taken advantage of the freedom provided by her own single state to work in church ministry, including promoting John Paul II's Theology of the Body teachings.
Still, she acknowledged that some days of her single state are easier than others. "You can go through cycles of being definitely bothered that you're not so married, and then not so bothered," said Northrup. "But I think that through it all, our ultimate goal is union with Christ, so Christ is going to use those times to bring us closer to him. I think the most important thing to be doing is seeking God's will in your current state."
And in her current state, Northrup has no regrets. "I can't say, looking back, that I would change anything or wish that things had been different. It is a very rich experience if you're using your singlehood."
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Kerry Weber is associate editor of Catholic Digest.
URL: http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=25301